Me Ne Fotto di Te

2AM
while driving to work
I hear a song
see a show
live a moment

It's all a reminder
thoughts popping in and out

It's so real
so lifelike

Memories

Memories I don't want anymore
Memories I just can't get rid of

the way you smell on a Thursday
the way you look all dressed up
the feel of your hand on mine
the sound of you in the night
the way you taste

Memories

Memories I have to literally
shake my head to get rid of
like an Etch-A-Sketch

But if you leave it up too long
it gets burned in
you can never get it clean again
reminants there forever
reminants that just won't go away

your hair after a storm
your eyes when you want me
your hand brushing away my hair
your lips against my skin

Try as I might
I can't stop myself

at the movies
in a book
when out with someone else
in my bed at night

it's you I can't let go

Kr36

I was solid
made of steel
unmovable
unfeeling
unhuman
and though I fought it
I began to change
slowly

The ice melted
my eyes opened
my heart began to beat
my senses had come alive
and I didn't like it

I wanted things I never had before
I wanted someone to trust
fully
I wanted someone to tell all my secrets to
all my loves
all my lusts
all my mistakes

That had never happened before
I had never been that open
that weak
that vulnerable
that human

And try as I might
I can't go back

Ten Cents Only

I am the greatest
or so I've been told
Come to me with your problems
I can fix anything
I'm like the Dali Lama
except you need not climb a mountain
I'm more easily accessable
and just as good
I understand
I can help
I want to
It's what I do
and I'm damn good at it

So lay all your cards out
I'll help you find your path
young and old
rich and poor
male and female

I'm your answer
your sanctuary
I'll make things better
and point you in the right direction
It seems as though I've been there
everywhere
and I'm only 24
just call me Deep Thought

The doctor is alway in
"How can I help you?"
no problem too big
no issue too insane
You'll leave feeling one hundred times better
guaranteed
no insurance needed

I must be from a different plain of existence
not easily broken
the will of a champion

I have all the right answers
turn to me when the chips are down
when you have no where else to go

But where do the invincible turn
when they realize they're just human?

How can I trust my concerns
to those I've helped out of the dumbest jams?
to those who would have fallen apart without me?
How can they fix me, when they can't fix themselves?
(cliche, I know)

And more importantly
how do I even being to ask for help?

The words don't exist
even if they could get past my teeth
and roll off my tounge
I swear they would be in Aramaic

No one would even understand
shrugging their shoulders
letting out a laugh
"You need help? Good one"

I am the strong
the level headed
I know who I am
and what I want
I don't need help

You think it's easy being me?
Try it for a day
It'd be like Scanners
I know it.

Just give me a minute
to regain my composure
I'll suck up my problems
to make way for yours

It's what I do.

The Dreaded Return

I'm giving up
on love and coconuts
on paradise and happiness
and a white knight in shining armor

I sit here
day after day
watching the fairytales play out
for everyone but me
In wide screen with surround sound

Maybe love doesn't really exist
just a fairytale we tell our kids
to give them hope
to give ourselves hope
Maybe love is just a tolerance that is overdramatisiced
merely for effect
and to one up the neighbors

I'm giving up
on love and coconuts
on the deception
and the illusion

All it's ever brought me is heartbreak
or a very realistic facsimile
I've been a fool to believe
there is someone out there
someone who cares so deeply
for me
someone who could change my mood
with just a glance

Someone who'll whisk me away
to anywhere
as long as we're together
we could live on love
and I'm nuts

for believing in stories
wishing on shooting stars
and not shedding the skin of a child
for holding on to nothing but pure fancy
as if it were truth

going to bed every night
wondering why my dreams
don't come true
Everyone else's seem to
But they're dreams
that's all they're meant to be

If people could really live
on love and coconuts
why would we need supermarkets
or restaurants
or divorces

I must stop lying to myself
let the poetry of the young mind go
thoughts of hope
of happiness
of love
thrown away
with rotten coconuts

But I can't
I can't let go
not while there's still a glimmer of a chance
I wasn't wrong all those years ago
not while there's a possibility
tomorrow things will change

Not while there's still hope
my body was designed to live
on nothing but
love and coconuts

Come Fly With Me

I don't know what came over me
nothing made sense
even less than usual
I can't remember if it was before or after
I thought about you
maybe it was the whole time
And I missed you
something I have tried not to do
something I'm doing now

It's been a while since I spoke to you
since you left
But the thought of you has brought me to tears
two days in a row now
That's quite a few
not just anyone can do that
I'm not sure if they even have

I was driving
the roads were slick
and I had to fight the urge
to pull the wheel to the left
and hit the gas
and feel the impact

it had nothing to do with you
it had nothing to do with dying
it had everything to do with living
tempting fate
to see if it would be real

It didn't seem like it could be
but I didn't
because I was afraid it could be real
wouldn't you say?

That wasn't supposed to be mean
I'm sorry
I'm sorry I even thought that

I regained my composure
blew off my thoughts
my fears
my emotions
shook off what made me human
and came back to myself

Then the rain turned to snow
and my breaks wouldn't stop
and for a brief second
I knew it was real
and I thought of you
or I would have
if I wasn't trying so hard to control the car
3.3 seconds
or maybe less

But I stopped
Thank God I stopped
or thank you
I'm not sure yet

This One's For Time

The attack wasn't much of a surprise
maybe to others
but not to me
and it was supposed to be

I've spent the last few months awaiting that day
psyching myself up
it was inevitable
but I was prepared
this is what we train for

They say war is Hell
I don't believe it
Hell is eternal - constant torment
war is eventually over
you go home one way or another

It is more like a kareoke bar
brawls over nothing
broken hearts
all to the tune of
"I Will Survive"
being belted out by drunken soldiers
hourly
almost like clockwork
It's the number one most requested track
mere survival

Those who aren't as strong break down
and are lost
in time and space
and sometimes it's unexpected
a kill shot from out of nowhere
you may be able to deflect the bullet from piercing your heart
but not your soul

As the cliche goes:
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
but you are only stronger
because part of you is dead

All the drills in the world cannot prepare you for that
no matter what happens
you are never the same as you were
when you went in
bright eyed and innocent

and each time, every time, it's lost

I waited for the attack
prepaired and ready
or so I thought
a fleshwound still hurts
and there's always a bit of suprise

I guess I was never truely ready
but I survived

Hey, Hey.

Life Doesn't Allow Lunch Breaks

They’ve sold you out
for the easier, sweeter answer
No one believes your lies over their truths or so it has become
But it doesn’t matter anymore
You can’t feel it anyway
it’s become so routine that you wonder
how happy endings were ever imaginable
How can the meek ever inherit the earth?
Will they really want what’s left of it?
What it’s become?
What you’ve become?

You had so much potential
or so your third grade teacher wrote
And she was right
But how was she to know
How was anyone to know
That you would become an example
The exception to every rule
that life had plotted out

Betrayed
in ever sense of the word
by every possible source
with every means necessary
Of course you don’t deserve it
it’s not your fault the fates hate you
that every ounce of happiness
any blip of joy
has been wrung out
and shipped away
so slowly that no one notices
–not that they care anyway-
as you spiral every which way
towards anything that’s not the goal
making you sea sick and small
Your emotions are nil
Your blood doesn’t even care to flow
in your veins any longer
What does it matter?
You can’t die anyway
They won’t let you

Okay, so now I have a blog

Hi, I'm Stefanie.

I'm not to big on public journal/diary things. I think I'm gonna try publishing some poems or something up here. I have my own site for my musings. It's currently at www.geocities.com/ntosake_nelson

It's the original Casualties of Life. I update it with random, sometimes humorous-sometimes sentimental posts or essays if you will, hoping just to amuse people.

Hopefully someone will read this. Eventually.